The Grace of Forgiveness

-by Saturnine

"Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves. You will never become angry or impatient if you love them for the sake of God. Humanity is not perfect. There are imperfections in every human being, and you will always become unhappy if you look toward the people themselves. But if you look toward God, you will love them and be kind to them, for the world of God is the world of perfection and complete mercy. Therefore, do not look at the shortcomings of anybody; see with the sight of forgiveness."
- `Abdu'l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 92

Everybody makes mistakes. No one is perfect and we all make decisions from time to time that have negative consequences. Part of personal growth is getting over those mistakes and learning to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t easy and it is often difficult to know where to begin.

In the past few years, I have met an astounding number of Wiccans that get angry at just about everything and hold grudges like nobody’s business. It is with these people and in these groups that it is difficult for any outsider not to get a bad impression of Wiccans in general. As Wiccans, we are often so absorbed in the rule of “An’ Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will” that we overlook how anger and resentment can lead to harm.

Anger can lead to several problems in the body such as depression, increased heart rate, ulcers, and indigestion to name a few. It can also lead to the repression of individual growth which can be very harmful in the long run. We must remember that as Wiccans, many of us believe in past lives. Part of this belief is that we are here to learn from the mistakes of our pasts. We must also remember that everything is part of the Divine, including mistakes. When we get angry and hold a grudge against someone for their mistake, we are also holding it against the Divine. As Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine."

There are three ways to deal with anger: repression, which is where you hold it all in; expression, where you communicate your feelings; and forgiveness. We will often say we forgive someone and even trick ourselves into thinking we forgive them, but continue to remember the hurt and pain and only “play nice” with them. Once you forgive, you have to mean it and stop dwelling. Think of all the negative energy that being angry raises. Think of the harm you can cause when all that negative energy is always around you.

Some psychologists tell us not to waste our time on anger as it is a futile feeling that often only affects us and not the wrong-doer. Whereas other psychologists, such as Dr. Laura Schlessinger, tell us that anger is a valid feeling and that forgiveness is a process. They recommend that we wait for the person who has wronged us to complete the following four steps, often referred to as the 4R’s of Forgiveness. The wrong-doer (which in some cases can even be oneself) must first take responsibility for their actions. Owning up to the crime and admitting that wrong has been done is the first step. The next step is remorse, in which the wrong-doer must feel bad about what they have done. It is important to note that feeling bad for being caught does not count as remorse. Remorse is the true feeling of guilt over causing someone else pain. The wrong-doer must then begin to repair the situation and try to make things better. And finally, repetition, in which the wrong-doer must commit to not repeating the offence and take steps to make sure the offence will not happen again.

So does this mean that only when a person has completed this process can we forgive them? Or once they have completed this process, all should automatically be forgiven? I think this takes an inward glance at oneself as the final step in this process. Think about how much time and energy you have spend being angry at this person. If you are no longer willing to waste the energy on being angry, then maybe you should think about forgiveness. It is important to note that just because you forgive that person, does not mean that your relationship with them should go back to the way it always was. It takes a lot of time for trust to build up and only an instant to tear it all down. Trust is an important aspect in Wicca. "Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust."(Lady Gwen Thompson & Adriana Porter) When working with others of the Craft we must be able to trust them with our secrets. We must also be able to trust and have faith that they are also working for the common good. When we lose that trust in a fellow Wiccan is often very difficult to work with them again in a magical setting. If the person who wronged you is a destructive influence in your life, maybe forgiveness is just the first step in letting your attachment to that person go.

Remember, forgiveness heals. It is a process we must all go through at some point in our lives in order to grow and learn. Forgiveness is freeing. It allows us to open up our minds, hearts and souls to better feelings. Forgiveness leads to humility. When we forgive, we are letting go of having to be the one who is right. It is closely linked to compassion and often extremely difficult to master. If you find yourself unable to forgive, try discussing it with someone. Storytelling and communication can often be very helpful when dealing with personal issues such as our most intense feelings. Forgiveness takes time, but I guarantee, you will begin to feel better once you let go of anger.

Let us think on these things.

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Grace of Compassion

-by Saturnine

Compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others. It crushes and destroys the pain of others; thus, it is called compassion. It is called compassion because it shelters and embraces the distressed. - The Buddha

As Wiccans we are encouraged to feel compassion and understand the suffering of others. Doreen Valiente, in her Charge of the Goddess, mentions eight Wiccan virtues. “Let My worship be within the heart that rejoices; for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.” We also see a beautiful example of compassion in one of the ritual tools, the scourge. Attributed to Aradia, it is a whip with 7 knots, symbolic of suffering, ritually administered lightly as possible to prostate participants. This is a visual reminder of suffering and the compassion we feel for others and the love we give them in return. But where does love turn into compassion? What is the difference between the two? Wikipedia defines compassion as, “A human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering.”

As Wiccans, this is an important emotion to feel, not just for our fellow humans, but for the plants and animals with which we share this Earth. Along with Forgiveness, Compassion may be one of the more difficult graces to master.  How often have we walked past a crying child in the mall or a homeless man begging for food? The answer is probably more times that you think. During our daily routines we are often in what is called an “urban trance”, where we are so focused on ourselves, that we ignore the bigger world around us , leading to deeper and deeper self absorption and bringing us further away from compassion. This “trance” is often made greater depending on our personal feelings of busyness or feeling rushed.

There is an interesting study that was done at the Princeton Theological Seminary. Students were given an assignment to create and give a sermon. Half of the students were given the story of The Good Samaritan, while the other half were given various other Bible stories. On their way to give the sermon, a man in obvious distress was placed in their path. The experiment was to see who would stop to help the man and if thinking about compassion would make them more likely to help. The conclusion of the experiment was that thinking about the Good Samaritan did not increase helping behavior, but being in a hurry decreased it. In this example, their focus was in the wrong direction. They were so self focused, that they did not use the opportunity, literally placed right in front of them to do what they could.

This study leads to other questions about compassion and what we as Wiccans often do in its cause. When we shift from personal compassion to global compassion, we may find that we are less likely to try and make a difference. Ethically, we try to “harm none” during our daily lives. This is often discussed at length especially in concern to the harm we cause to the Earth by using certain household products, wearing certain types of fabric, eating meat and the consequences of where that meat comes from, etc. To have compassion for these causes is it necessary to try and alleviate each ounce of suffering we create? Is knowing about and feeling for these causes enough to count as compassion? Should we be using every opportunity to help and feel compassion, or will this eventually drive us to the point of depression when we cannot help? It is interesting to note here that when we help those in need we often feel good about it. Again, we focus on ourselves in this instance and how nice it is to help others in need. We feel better about ourselves before we begin to feel better for those we have helped. But this may be able to balance the feelings of distress we feel when we cannot or are unable to help.

Compassion can also be confused with pity in these instances. “Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, /But always pity brought me back to earth; /Cries of pain reverberated in my heart /Of children in famine, of victims tortured /And of old people left helpless. /I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, /And I too suffer.” (Bertrand Russell)  Pitying something or someone is not the same as compassion. A true feeling of the relation to its suffering is what compassion is all about. We need to be able to place ourselves in the shoes of those we feel for in order to understand compassion. As Russell writes, we too must suffer.

It is a psychological fact that as humans we feel for and with our fellow humans. I have met several Wiccans who focus greatly on their ability to empathize with others quite skillfully. This empathic link should lead us to take into consideration what makes others feel comfortable, but we often ignore what would make them feel better than comfortable. How often do we have conversations with others that lead to talking about ourselves? How often do you ask about the other person and focus entirely on them? Becoming more compassionate may lead us to pay more attention to the world around us in general.

This emphatic link can be seen most recently in the various charities and benefits that are being held for those around the word suffering from natural disasters. These televised events create shared compassion for the victims as well as bring awareness to causes we may be ignorant about. This raises the question, if just one person acts, will we act along with them or ignore it because the problem is being fixed by someone else?

Let us think on these things.

 “A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair.” [New York Journal-American, April 5, 1963]

         -          Abraham Joshua Heschel